“Women suck,” my friend tells me over brunch in response to my question about her love life. She goes on to tell tales of her past few months of dating that include being misled by someone who “wasn’t entirely gay”, being lied to by someone who wasn’t entirely single, and being hoodwinked by someone who wasn’t entirely monogamous. I take a drink of my coffee, furrow my brow and shake my head in empathetic outrage.
I am reminded of a time, that I now refer to as the mile of black thoughts, during mile 21 of a marathon, I nearly threw my fancy running watch away in the trash. Tired of watching my time creep up as my injured ass hobbled along, I found myself smack dab in the middle of my worst bonk ever. And so, I angrily took off my watch and headed for the first trash can I saw. Luckily, some nice supporter along the route clapped and shouted, “Come on, you got this. This is just the wall.” And as if coming out of a spell, I shook myself back into the present, wiped my tears, and fastened my watch back onto my wrist. The rest of the race sucked, but I was happy to settle for a just in time save of my $200 Garmin. 
Dating is like that – sometimes you get so frustrated you want to throw it all away and stay single forever. Bad dates are inevitable, I just don’t want to make them worse by throwing away my chance for future love. I tell my friend this and as we lean in to hug goodbye she tells me “women still suck”.
Later, as I go about my Saturday afternoon, I stand in the long grocery line and wonder: when it comes to dating, how do we pick ourselves up and put ourselves out there after bad dating experiences? Without bitterness? How do we stay true to who we are so that we don’t get lost in the dating shuffle?
As I load my produce onto the grocery belt, I distract myself from my dating anxiety and play the new social media game of what if in my head. What if Madonna wasn’t like a virgin? What if Bruce Springsteen wasn’t born in the USA? What if Meghan Trainor wasn’t all about the bass? What if Gatsby wasn’t great? What if Stella never got her groove back?
I chuckle inwardly despite myself, and make eye contact with a woman in line behind me, who eyes my slow moving cart unloading process impatiently. “Sorry,” I mouth silently, embarrassed. What if Kim never gets her groove back? I catch my foot on the back of the cart as I hurriedly unload the rest of my food and stumble a bit. I can feel her eyes on me in line behind me. I can’t imagine why I’m single.
Later, tucked safely into the cozy of my bed and curled up with a book, a line of text jumps out at me:
You get your confidence and intuition back by trusting yourself, by being
militantly on your own side. (Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott)
I sit up straighter in bed, re-reading the sentence. I wonder, when it comes to dating, if the way out of bad date negativity cycle is by following Lamott’s advice. Trusting myself. Being militantly on my own side. Since in the end, no one really explains how Stella got her groove back, maybe during this phase we have the opportunity to turn it back around on ourselves. I recall my friend’s dating tales and wonder, how are we supposed to trust ourselves and be on our own side if we are lied to? I am reminded of a woman who completely played me. The thing is, I KNEW it. I knew it even before I knew it. And yet, I hung in there, wanting to believe what she was telling me. Ignoring my instincts. Maybe that was my opportunity to stand strong in who I was and trust myself without getting caught up in the drama. Maybe that was my opportunity to be militantly on my own side. I can’t help but wonder, even when we are completely caught off guard and not aware of the truth, can’t we pick ourselves up with dignity, knowing it wasn’t at all about us? After all, even in the dating world, where intimate relationships feel so very personal and have us questioning ourselves at times, don’t’ we know certain truths about ourselves deep down? Isn’t that part of being on our own side? Don’t we know who we really are underneath the persona we show the world at work? On OK Cupid? In the bar? At the end of the day, I know certain things to be true about the real me. That’s the girl I want to trust as I brave the trenches of lesbian dating. That’s the girl whose side I want to be on whole-heartedly.
After all, even enormous talent and success don’t shield people from the vulnerabilities of love and dating. Think about it – what if Justin Timberlake never brought sexy back?
“You get your confidence and intuition back by trusting yourself, by being
militantly on your own side. ”
Wonderful words. As they made you sit up straighter in bed, I made my office chair squeak when I read them.:-) Yes, if we can’t be ‘militantly’ on our own side, then who could be?
Thanks too, for the analogy to hang in there, keep breathing, and see what happens down the road.
It’s all an adventure.
As you have written life experiences truly are great teaching lesons. You have proven that by pointing out how you got back up from from the feelings of rejection and moved on in life. Clearly your on your way. So very proud of you Kim. 💖