5 lessons the worst relationship I ever had taught me about red flags

It happened one leisurely Sunday. My girlfriend at the time and I had spent the day at the spa, a peace offering for an ongoing argument. We were joking around and then, just like that. She punched me in the arm. In that moment, it was as if all the drama and struggle of our relationship and every relationship over the past 15 years of dating culminated into the throbbing in my arm. Perhaps it was shock over the violent interruption in the day’s momentum, but everything became silent and still for one blissful second. And then I knew. I was done with unhealthy relationships. There had to be a better way.

Over the weeks that followed, while starting the moving on process, one thought replayed in my mind: what did I miss? I couldn’t help but wonder how I dated someone for a year and completely missed the aggression. Another thought prickled at the back of my mind: or had I?

Red flags are the hints of awareness we get that tell us something is wrong and we are not compatible. To trust myself to acknowledge warning signs sooner, I had to accept that red flags appeared long before the punch. Looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened, because this experience taught me these 5 invaluable relationship lessons.

Red flags appeared early on.

Within a few months of dating, the first red flag waved boldly in front of me. After a weekend at her house, my legs were covered in flea bites. Not just a few, but my calves had so many itchy red welts, it looked like I had chicken pox. Still, she refused to take her itching cat to the vet to get treated. He couldn’t have fleas, she said simply, because she had treated him over the counter. And, she added hotly, if I wanted to “convince” her otherwise I needed to show her the life cycle of a flea. Seriously. Later, post vet-treatment, her poor cat crawled up on a stool next to me as dying fleas climbed around his eyes and fell in a pile on the floor. The flea incident was the first of many times she was dismissive even when there was evidence of damage visible to her. An argument could be made that she also neglected her cat, a red flag of its own.

Red flags got worse over time. 

The first red flag seemed minor (the cat never had fleas before, she insisted). Given the relationship was new, I swept it under the rug. But over time, warning signs escalated and became more confusing and hurtful. What began as a general dismissiveness of my feelings escalated into controlling behavior, and spiraled into contempt and disrespect.

I ignored red flags because of what I thought it would mean.

I thought I ignored flags because I was in love. And let’s face it; love can make us do stupid things. After more reflecting though, I began to understand my motivation differently and realized I got stuck in self judgment. What would it say about me to be single again at 41? What did another breakup say about my ability to navigate relationships? Was there something wrong with me? Self-judgment, especially when we’re unaware of it, can lead to bad choices.

Not talking to friends about red flags kept me isolated.

I’m from the don’t air your dirty laundry camp. The problem is, when my loyalty caused me to silence the truth of my relationship from the people closest to me, I missed out on other perspectives and support. Even in good relationships there are miscommunications and we need the support of our friends and family to sort it out and get back on course. Being isolated meant I only had access to my girlfriend’s perspective, which felt a lot like gas lighting. Or the “I’ll do mean things and then act like you’re overreacting” approach.

Ignoring my gut became a pattern.

Once I ignored my gut about red flags the first time, it became easier to continue to ignore them, even as they escalated and became more frequent and more severe over time. I was so used to second guessing my intuition, that even the night of the punch I questioned myself, wondered if I was overreacting. Thankfully I had the awareness to call three friends who each whole-heartedly assured me I was NOT overreacting, that hitting was NOT okay under any circumstances. They reminded me that my girlfriend’s minimizing it didn’t lessen the reality of it. The good news is the contrary is also true –the more I tune into my gut, follow it, and trust my own feelings, the more it feels like life just falls into place.

What red flags have you ignored? What did you tell yourself about them? What did you learn? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments box below.